Today’s topic for discussion: the job search, quite possibly the most confounding, counterintuitive process known to man. I would recount my personal misfortunes in this field in gory detail, but most of my rejections have been rather blasé. It turns out the real world is not like “The Apprentice” (nor is it like the “The Real World” ironically), where a haranguing boss criticizes your experience, character, and work ethic before dismissing you. Rejection letters are kindly worded, generic, and inoffensive. They don’t make good stories. So instead, I thought I’d collect the wisdom I’ve gained from these mundane experiences into a handy guide I call:

How Common Words of Wisdom Can Lead You Horribly Astray During Job Hunting.

(By the way, you might want to take notes on this, at least on the third tip. There’ll be a test after you graduate)

1) Live Every Day As If It Were Your Last

This one is somewhat obvious.

If today truly were my last day on Earth, I would not spend it churning out cover letters, revising resumes, poring over thesauruses, looking for synonyms for “manage”, “experience”, and “growth”. I would spend it off on a hedonistic joyride, engaging in all sorts of crude, visceral pleasures to celebrate my final moments of life. At the very least, I’d hang out with friends or watch some TV. Definitely wouldn’t apply to any jobs.

A much better job-hunting tip: live every day as if you have many employable years ahead of you, followed by an extended retirement that will require substantial savings.

2) Nice Guys Finish Last

I wish I could tell you that nice guys finish first. Alas, so far I’ve found that “nice guys” get nice initial responses, enjoy interviews with other nice people, receive nicely-worded rejection letters, and finish nicely in the middle of the pack. Nonetheless, that’s more promising than dead last. My courtesy and grace might not have won me every job I applied for, but I still have to believe I’m coming closer than the “Your company is a wreck, your children are ugly, your life is a failure; how could hiring me make anything worse? P.S. I slept with your wife.” guy. Not that there necessarily is a guy who writes that in his cover letters. But from the plethora of blindingly obvious job-hunting tips scattered all over the Internet (“Don’t forget to wear deodorant to your interview.” No, seriously, things like that are everywhere.), I figure there have to be some foolish job seekers out there that these simple things give me an edge on.

3) Always Look On the Bright Side Of Life

There is nothing more potentially dangerous to a job hunt than excessive optimism. (All right, there are probably many things more dangerous, ranging from chronic halitosis to resume-eating termites, but allow me to over-dramatize for a second)

It’s fine to think positively in the abstract. “Someday, somewhere, someone will pay me money”—that’s a great thought to have. I don’t want to be encouraging constant depression here. What’s dangerous is to become so optimistic about any particular prospect that you let everything else fall by the wayside and have to start up your job hunt from scratch when it falls through.

Here’s the solution: every time you e-mail out a job application, pretend that through some freak Internet mishap involving Bill Gates; the Net Neutrality Act; and Yahu, god of telecommunications; it winds up going straight into a black hole. This sounds like a stretch, but believe me, the more job applications you send out, the more reasonable it will sound. More than once I’ve watched an app zip off my computer into limbo, where it’s lingered for weeks on end, sometimes eventually jumping (through a wormhole, perhaps?) into a potential employer’s inbox, other times disappearing entirely. When you assume that this will happen to every application you send out, it motivates you to make Plans B, C, D, and E just in case. If your application does resurface on this side of the event horizon, congratulations! And if not, then at least you won’t be caught with your pants down.

Finally, one piece of positive advice, that I’ve tried to take to heart: keep your chin up while job hunting. It might take a little while, you might get discouraged at times, but eventually you will find a job—and in the end, that’s what truly matters. For as a wise man once said, all’s well that ends well.

Swattie Emeritus.